Season 3, Episode 19: My Story and Why These Conversations Are So Important

Welcome back to The Gut Show! I am really excited because, in this episode, we actually get to wrap up season 3. This season has been really special and unique because this was the season where I decided to interview other guest experts and voices in the IBS world and not just have myself talk or just my team. What came out of that were a lot of really incredible conversations, there were a lot of things that opened my eyes to kind of new perspectives, a lot that just made me really excited because it aligned a lot of with what I already do and what I already believe and think, and it was just really nice to be able to put those conversations in your hands.

Today, as we wrap up the season and kind of tie a bow around it, I want to share a little bit more of my story. I’m going to share a little bit more about why I really believe that these types of conversations make such a big difference and then I also want to talk about how we can continue to spark these conversations and the value that really does come out of them.

My goal with this episode would be to hopefully encourage you to get out and share your story more, to start conversations, to be a part of conversations, because they can make such a big impact even though they may not seem like it at the time. They may seem small, but in reality, these conversations can do so much, especially for those who are living with IBS or other gut issues and even other health issues and concerns that might be going on.

Don’t forget to connect to others in The GUT Community, a Facebook group for those with IBS and digestive disorders to support one another and dive deeper into each episode together.

What if you could develop skills to help manage IBS symptoms in only 10 minutes per day? Today’s episode is sponsored by Mahana Therapeutics, who has made cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) more accessible through their app, Mahana IBS. This is a new app that offers evidence-based CBT to reduce the severity of IBS symptoms - until the end of June 2022 this is available at no-cost for eligible patients. Get started now and download the app at mahanatx.com/TheGutShow.

So a little bit more about my history. If you've been following me for a long time on Instagram, or even on the podcast, I've shared bits and pieces of my story throughout different episodes and seasons, then you may remember that my story with IBS actually starts in childhood. I remember in elementary school, like dealing with chronic gut issues, like lying on the bathroom floor, screaming in pain, going to the emergency room multiple times, you know, having tons of stomach bugs, and I think I had like two to three stomach bugs every year, and I really thought that was just normal. It was something that was just recurrent and something that every time you know, a flare came up, or all of these symptoms were heightened, my parents didn't know what to do.

Eventually, we went through rounds of testing and after a few years, they finally came to the conclusion that it was IBS. They were able to somehow link it back to a Giardia infection in early childhood. So that's what happened throughout, you know, two to three years of testing. And I remember in fourth grade, that's kind of when the final testing happened, that's where I was given the diagnosis of IBS and then kind of sent on my way like, I've tried to, you know, recount some of those memories, and I think some of it has just been kind of blocked out. There's a lot in my childhood I don't remember, which I don't know if that's, I’m 30 years old now, so is that normal? Is it not? I don't know. But what I do know is that I don't remember being given any advice. I was seeing, you know, great doctors at the Children's Hospital, the main hospital and I remember I had like one therapy appointment because I was having like random like weird accidents and also like a lot of constipation. It was very strange, my symptoms were definitely impacting me and I know I was sent to a therapist once at the Children's Hospital, and I barely remember that conversation. I remember being there, but I don't remember really being given tools like, I don't even really remember….I remember suppositories or enemas, I definitely remember that because my mom had to do it, so it was not the most comfortable thing. I remember that would go through elementary school and I think even some a middle school.

But by the time I recounted a lot of my own memories of like getting older in my life, I don't really remember a lot of strategies. Like I didn't take Miralax, I didn't take fiber supplements. I remember I got some like fiber Metamucil cookies or something at the time, potentially, I remember how terrible they tasted so I didn’t keep doing those. But I don't even remember being told to drink more water or anything. And I was really active, always playing sports, I was a cheerleader, I was really involved, you know, even with extra movement, like maybe that's what helped, going into middle school and being part of the sports. Maybe that's what helped a little bit, but I didn't have tools. And so becoming a woman, going through puberty, going through those awkward middle school years, kind of learning who I was and, you know, going through navigating friendships and relationships, like dating back then, moving into high school, deciding what I wanted to do with my life, like all of these different things in my memories, while those were really exciting, they were also kind of clouded by this level of insecurity that I had because of the symptoms that I dealt with.

I dealt with constipation, chronic constipation, definitely IBS C at the time, and the pain would kind of come and go, like the pain definitely lessened after like my elementary school years, but it was still there in the worst points of my constipation. So if I had trapped gas or if I was very constipated, then the pain would definitely come, but I kind of learned how to deal with it. But I still remember the insecurity right of, well, you know, I would go to church camp in the summer for a week, it's like, well, by the end of the week, I knew I was going to be in pain and be miserable. But like, I could not use a public restroom, right? It's like, there's no way I'd be able to use the restroom. And so I just, I remember, I would go into that knowing that like, this is going to be terrible, like, I can't use the bathroom.

I remember I would go on trips, I talked about this recently, I think on one episode or some conversation somewhere, but I remember one specific incident where I was on a trip in middle school. We went to a theme park that's like an hour away. And I remember, you know, most trips like that, you never knew what was gonna happen for my body. But if I dealt with a lot of gas production, and I dealt with trapped gas, it would be so painful to the point where my typical go to was to go back to the car, back to the bus, wherever I could go to lay down. If I could lay down for a bit, especially on my stomach, and it’s still my go to, if I could lay on my stomach, I knew that I'd be able to pass the gas, especially if I was alone and more comfortable, I could pass it. If I could pass it, the pain was gone.

And so, you know, I remember one trip, we were at this theme park and I wasn't able to go back to the vehicle, what I was able to do was go to the nursing station. I was in such severe pain that I was like, I can't push through this. I'm extremely uncomfortable. So I went to the nursing station and was laying on the table, there was other people there and I remember thinking like, I can't pass this gas. I was so insecure about it, like, if it smells like it's embarrassing, I'm ashamed, you know, all those things were coming up. I was, you know, like, 12, 13, 14, whatever, however old I was, it wasn't even 16, definitely before that. And so I'm laying there, and you know, I talked to the nurse and everything and she knew what was going on. Well, then my friends came in or friends that were with me and they were like, oh, are you okay, you know, checking on me, trying to be kind.

And I remember the nurse telling them that, you know, it's just trapped gas, like, kind of made a joke about it and I just remember feeling like, just crushed, right? Like, so embarrassed. And yes, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, you know, and I definitely say that now, like, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. But also as a kid, like, that's a lot to deal with. I was so embarrassed, and so insecure and I remember those were the types of feelings that I would have. Anywhere I went, that's what I feared the most.

Sometimes that would look like kind of maybe restricting intake a little bit. I honestly, how I grew up, I grew up in a very small rural town in south Arkansas. I was never really taught much about foods, like I really didn't know, I didn't really understand even what was healthy or not necessarily healthy. I didn't know, like what caused gas, like no one told me right, I didn't know that until I'd been trained to be a dietitian, I knew nothing. And I didn't really eat a lot of vegetables or anything. But I remember, you know, I would kind of tiptoe around things or I just was so cautious and scared of just having that pain and, and being you know, outed and what that ended up turning into in like future times, and I've talked about this on Instagram before is I would go find any opportunity I could to pass gas if I dealt with that pain, and so dirty bathroom floors. I have a quote on Instagram that says if you've never had to lay down on a dirty bathroom floor to pass gas, like, you don't get it, right, like you don't understand. And while you don't have to have that same experience, I think we all have those types of experiences. It's like, I would rather lay on a dirty bathroom floor then tell the person in front of me like, hey, I've trapped gas, I'm gonna lay down on the floor here and pass it. It might smell bad and like, you know, it's gonna be embarrassing, but that's what I need to do. Like, I couldn't do that as a kid. And even now as an adult, like I could only do that around my husband like, just not in my personality. I'm not that open. Those are some of the things I experienced.

So going into college like, this wasn't resolved, like it improved a little bit through high school as well, like, you know, I did drink more water because I was exercising more, I got more serious about, you know, softball, and ran track and stuff like that, I was not like a big athlete, but I definitely was active and you know, was practicing every day and you know, was really serious about even the cheerleading and just, like more kind of competitive and just with my group of friends. So, you know, in high school, I definitely had better control, so those flares were more far between.

But even with that, I remember I feared like being gone, like everyone came to my house for things because I was more comfortable at my house, if I didn't go the bathroom at my house, like, I'm not going to the bathroom in public. If I played a softball game, and I knew I was in pain, I would just have to push through it and kind of learn how to play to the best of my ability in severe abdominal pain, because I learned that like, while it hurts so bad, and it definitely did, I could still do things. It was like the mental game. And I think even today, I went through a lot in my childhood and I talked about that more, we can talk about that another day, but I developed a lot of mental toughness that I'd still take with me that I'm kind of grateful for because it has helped me really have….mental toughness is really the best way I can explain it. But I would take that into high school of like, okay, I just need to just need to push through, like I can do this, like, you know, I knew what the problem was, and like it wasn't going to resolve until I just got home, so I just knew how to push through it.

And so going into college, you know, having to live in a dorm room, I was terrified, like, more terrified of having to share a public restroom on my dorm floor, bathrooms were in the center. And we were technically a coed dorm, it's like, female floor, male floor, female floor, male floor, which also terrified me, there was like guys walking around all the time, probably good for me to learn how to not be so embarrassed. But that was the situation I was about to move into. And so here's me terrified of public restrooms, knowing that I deal with this constipation issue and like, I honestly thought going into college like I'm never going to poop. I didn't at the time know what could happen if you don't, like what happens with impaction, it's probably a good thing, because I would have been more anxious and fearful and maybe would have held me back a bit. But I did not know that thankfully.

I went into college terrified. And when I tell you that I became a morning person to go to the bathroom first, like I did. I would seek out like, I didn't need to know where all the bathrooms were because I didn't deal with diarrhea, so I didn't have to do that, what I did know though was where the private single bathrooms were. I knew like in the library of second floor, I could go to that bathroom and it was like one stall, so I could lay on the floor, pass my gas, you know, have a poop if I needed to, it was private. Friday nights, I always laugh, you know, my entire dorm floor….I went to the University of Arkansas, it's very Greek. Lots of sororities and fraternities. That wasn't me at all, wasn't drawn to that even in the slightest. Like I'm not super social and just wasn't interested. My floor though, they were all in sororities, so every Friday night, everybody went out, and I did not. I did laundry and that was whenever I had the bathroom to myself. And then Saturday morning, like, that's all I saw, like naked girls on the floor, like a lot of stuff from the aftermath of the Friday night, but it was okay because it was like if someone was in there, they were likely kind of passed out or not fully coherent and so I was able to use the bathroom. To me, that was like a sense of relief.

Fast forward a couple of years, you know, that was how it really impacted me. And I had that first big flare in college, where I actually had diarrhea for two days, I still don't know, like was it food poisoning? Like, I really don't know what caused it? Maybe it was because it was pretty bad. It was two days straight of just diarrhea. And that was not me, I had dealt with, you know, at that point, almost 15 years of constipation with you know, stomach viruses as a child, but I had diarrhea for days. It wasn't resolving. So I went to the campus doctor and was like, something's wrong with me. And then they're like, yeah, nothing's wrong, you're fine. And finally, I was like, well, you know, I do have this history of IBS and I was also going through a lot of stress at that time, because I was premed and realized that like, I'm a pretty self aware person and realize, based on some of the classes, I did not care about them at all and I refused to study like, I just couldn't do it. So it's like, I don't care about this, I don't want to do this, but calculus, I somehow made it through two forms of calculus and passed, but it was not good. And I was like, there's no way I'm gonna make it to medical school., like, I don't have it cut out in me to do these things, I don't care about it.

I was at kind of a crisis point of you know, I'm in my sophomore year, and I need to make a new decision. And so all of that was also happening around this time so maybe that was my IBS flare. But I, you know, went to the doctor, there a conversation now I mentioned like, oh, yeah, I remember whenever I was a kid, I got diagnosed with IBS and I've dealt with, you know, constipation issues throughout my life. And the doctor, I remember it so clearly, she was writing on a notebook and she just put her pen down and looked at me, she's like, oh, well, that's what it is! It's a flare, it's just your IBS. And I remember feeling…..and now it's like, yeah, that might have been, it probably was, but because I'd never gotten any help and because I, and I hear this from my clients all the time, and try to have as much empathy as I can, because I get it, but I just remember feeling like, really? Like, is that a cop-out? Like, is that really all that’s going on? Because I thought IBS was such a small thing, right? Because that's just what I was told, and I went from seeing the doctor all the time to not seeing the doctor anymore. And so it just felt like, okay, it's nothing. And now I'm being told that like, well, now my experience is just this, is there something wrong with me, like I don't know, like, is that something I should be serious about?

So that happened, soon after that, I discovered dietetics, not because of my gut, I actually did not get into be a dietitian because of that, but I did become a dietitian. And so while I was studying nutrition, that was the first time I learned about food, and about why water is important and even though it was just the basics of nutrition, it was just mind blowing to me. But I also learned about IBS, because we had, you know, a year worth of what we call medical nutrition therapy, we learn about different conditions and the recommendations that we make for those on top of like our biology and metabolism, and all of these kind of deeper level science classes that then fed into the medical nutrition therapy side. So I've already learned about digestion and the digestive tract and I learned about you know, how everything worked together, and you know, metabolism, which means how we break down nutrients. And so I learned more about fiber and how it was fermented and broken down. I had learned about the gut microbiome, because the big like Microbiome Project happened around that time. So I was learning all these things and then I learned about IBS, and it was probably 15 minutes worth of the lecture that day on all GI conditions. But whenever I heard my teacher talk about IBS, it was one of those moments like someone may be feeling…. I'm streaming this right now and someone said, you know, I feel so heard. I was like, wait, what? And I was a front row student, you know, sitting on the front row, taking my notes, like fully engaged, that's the kind of student I was. And I was just like, wait, what? Like, there's things you can do, like, this is an actual thing? There are solutions? I've never heard anyone talk about this.

Looking back now, it's so ridiculous that half of my floor probably had IBS, right? We know that it's so common among women, especially women in college, that's where flares tend to happen, that's where the biggest triggers really come out. And you know, the people in my class, even dietetics is a primarily female field, which hopefully will change in the future, we need some more diversity there, but my class was mostly women. And so I'm sitting there like, well, like 25% of those people probably had IBS. And here I am, in this class, hearing this 15 minute part of a lecture completely, like mind blown. Because what I had been told I had for over 15 years, now I'm finally hearing about what it even is, and that there are solutions!

I went onto, everything I heard like, take action on it. Like let's experiment. Let's go dig in, which led me down the Google rabbit hole that many of us go on. And yes, I had some pretty credible sources at that time, but it was still very misguided, right? I didn't have guidance from someone else who understood, I was just figuring it out. And so that spiraled into disordered eating habits, lots of disordered behaviors, also, I struggled with my weight and just like insecurity there, body dysmorphia, you know, that fed into my shame, like dealing with bloating, constipation, like that was something I was always insecure about growing up and still can be sometimes, right, where it's like, my midsection is what bothers me and like, you know, looking in the mirror, like that can be really hard. And that was really triggering for me. And so I was navigating that and then these recommendations that aren't the best because they're just science recommendations and you know what's on paper sometimes doesn't always take into account the real person in front of you and I've learned that as a practitioner, but reading a book, that doesn't always take into account what you might be dealing with.

And so I did it all the wrong way, I did lots of restriction, and you know, just went down that hole for almost five more years throughout the rest of my school, in my training, into my first job a little bit. And what finally happened is, in that journey, you know, I was finding things that worked, I was eating healthier, like moving my body more and all these different habits and like, these behaviors were great and they were really feeding into how I was feeling, but there was so much disordered behaviors with it too. And like nothing was sustainable, it was very popcorn, like, try this for a little bit, okay, let that go, try this for a little bit, let it go, try this for a little bit, let it go. And like a true dietitian to be we tend to all do that.

Finally, after, like training, and in my first job, like, I finally hit a point where I was like, this is exhausting and like, I'm done just trying all these things. And what I like to describe it now, like at the time, I felt like it was like, whatever, I'm just kind of giving up on….not giving up, like I'm gonna go do everything differently, but I'm giving up like the striving of like, figure it out, figure it out, figure it out, I gave up on that. I was like, let's just chill for a moment. And now how I describe it is it's where my knowledge, everything I had learned through school, everything I had learned through research, everything I learned in every talk I went to, the microbiome stuff was all brand new and science at that time, which makes me feel old. But I was like, oh, this is so interesting and like this is a new topic and all this new stuff,I was just so like obsessed with it.

So I took all that information and I paired it with my intuition of what do I feel and this is before I was even really exposed to intuitive eating that probably could have helped me, those resources, if you remember our podcast episode, Elyse Resch, such a great episode and conversation, if I would have had someone like her on my team at that time, like it probably would have been even better. But you know, I messily, however you want to describe it, just fumbled my way through this knowledge and intuition combination, and what came out of that was the holistic kind of framework that I talk about all the time now. And the reason why I care so much about that, the reason why I care so much about knowledge and intuition, knowledge and the person as a real person, and just taking into account how IBS can be so individualized but IBS can also be, it can like kind of seep into every part of you, right? It's not all just the IBS, like the fear I had at the bathroom wasn't caused by my IBS, like from a physiological standpoint, but that fear was still very real, and had become part of me because my IBS had kind of seeped into the rest of my life if that makes sense. Which I know some of you do feel that right? Where it's like, there's all of these different components where like, there's more anxiety around things that you wouldn't have been anxious about before. It doesn't take much to kind of set you on edge, because you don't know what's going to happen. Like, well, IBS isn't the one causing that, it's kind of the trickle effect, right?

And so I learned that that was the intuition. I was like, I know my body and I know that causing more anxiety is not going to get me forward, so how can I take a step without that anxiety? And it's like it was those little like, conversations that finally led me to the full control that I have, where I get asked, you know, now, do I have IBS? Yes. It technically doesn't go away, like until we know it does for sure, like it's there. If I get, you know, extremely constipated for some reason, or, you know, this doesn't happen very often, if I do have some gas buildup that I'm not able to release, I do still feel that very real, very intense pain. I know what to do about it now, but it's still there. But what I've done is I know what habits to put in place to keep those symptoms at bay, while also honoring my intuition and my life. Which to me means, you know, my priority is not like keep symptoms to 0%. It's like if I'm bloated sometimes you know, it's like that's why I talk about friendly clothing. So that's where all of that came from.

The reason why I bring all this up and the reason why I share my story, not just to make you feel connected to it, because you might and that's great, but the real reason I talked about it is because I like to think about that girl from you know, second to third grade when my symptoms began, to the sophomore in college, so that like 15 year period. What would have happened if that girl had heard somebody talk about their experience with IBS, or even really talked about their experiences with constipation? What would have happened in my life? Right? Like, what would that have done for me, because I remember that first conversation in my classroom, which wasn't even a two sided conversation, it was just me learning. But just hearing about it sparked this sense of hope of like, oh, there's something out there for me. And whenever I decided to start being more confident and share about my life and my experiences, you know, that actually led me to focusing on this for my work, because I was excited about it and I realized, hey, a lot of people are struggling with this too, I'm qualified to do this and I'm also passionate about it and, you know, just went headfirst into all the research I could to provide better care. But as I began to share, the more people really began to communicate that they were heard, that they had hope, that they had never heard anyone talk about it and now they feel like they're seen, they're no longer isolated. And so I think about, well, what would I have felt earlier on if I had heard this conversation?

So in opening up this season, and bringing in these different experts, and a lot of our conversations have been around, you know, experts sharing about different topics around IBS, and we've had fellow people with IBS, those who have started businesses, those who created online communities. But what I hope that you get out of this entire season, and watching every single episode is yes, a renewed sense of hope, but I hope that that actually translates to you to take action as well. To start having conversations. Because we don't know what we don't know and when we start conversations, what we do is we build awareness, and we bring awareness and attention to the problems that we've all lived with, in some form or fashion.

While my experiences are different than yours, you hearing my experience can still bring you hope. And then what that can do is encourage you to take action to share your experience, which will then trickle to the next person that might actually relate more to your experience than my experience. And so they feel more seen and they feel more heard. But if problems stay in the dark, isolation is going to be more likely. If problems say in the dark, and we feel like you know, as the IBS community, if we hold on to our shame, and our embarrassment, we're not going to get the health care that we deserve. We're not going to get the research studies that we are well past due, right? We're not going to get the answers, like we're still going to get the problems we see with certain professionals who don't take it seriously, because if we're ashamed, how are we going to advocate? Right?

How are we going to come together and be you know, we just created the IBS Warrior Summit, like, how are we going to really be that kind of warrior community that stands up together? How are we going to fight back against the negative connotation jokes about IBS? Because some people that's all they hear, so they're more ashamed, they're more embarrassed, think that they're less than because that's what they're being told, how can we change those conversations? Because I really do believe that with community, with vulnerability, hope really does begin to build and change really begins to happen.

So that's what I hope that you've gotten out of this season and if not from the season, at least from this conversation. And, you know, that doesn't mean that you have to start a podcast, unless that's your thing. It doesn't mean you have to share on Instagram and be around social media bullies, it doesn't mean that you have to do that. What it could mean is that you talk to your friends, that you speak up and ask questions and you know, see what people are going through so that you are there to share if someone is feeling more isolated, if you notice someone is canceling plans, or you see those signs in someone else, like start a conversation because it can mean so much.

Start a blog, write anonymously, join groups, you know, find a way to really share and encourage, because it makes a huge difference. So thank you for joining in for this season! Season Four will be coming soon, we've already got it planned. So take a little summer break, and then we'll come back and bring you lots of content throughout the rest of the year. I am so proud of what we've created and if that has been valuable to you in any way, it would be an honor if you would share your feedback through a review, just go to our channel, leave a review, share maybe one thing you took away from it, something that you enjoy about it and then if possible as well share it with a friend so that we can continue sharing these conversations and making an even greater impact!