Season 4 Episode 10: How Do I Deal With Family That Doesn’t Believe IBS Is Real?
Dealing with IBS and other chronic gut issues can be debilitating and isolating. These feelings can be made even worse when you have family and friends who may think you are overreacting! As we are nearing the holidays, today's conversation is timely as you begin to spend more time with family and friends who may undermine the severity of your IBS pain and symptoms.
During this episode, I talk about how to deal with people who think you are overreacting. I share ways to communicate your disorder confidently and clearly, the key to setting clear boundaries, finding your tribe of support, and how to signpost people in the right direction if they want more information about IBS.
In this episode, we cover:
You cannot control other people’s reactions
How to deal with someone who thinks your disorder is not real
Creating clear and safe boundaries
Find your allies!
How to educate someone on IBS
Dealing with unwanted advice and questions
Don’t forget to connect to others in The GUT Community, a Facebook group for those with IBS and digestive disorders to support one another and dive deeper into each episode together.
Today’s episode is sponsored by Sunfiber. Sunfiber is a prebiotic fiber supplement that is gut-friendly as a soluble, low FODMAP fiber. Sunfiber-containing products typically contain between 5-7 grams of fiber, and it mixes into water or food without adding color, texture, or flavor. That means you can easily add this to your routine to increase your intake and benefit the balance of your gut without the symptoms. Sunfiber can be found in hundreds of different products. Find your favorites at Sunfiber.com
Welcome back to the podcast! We are getting really close to the end of the season and today's conversation is one that, hopefully is timely if this is something that you've needed in your life, as we are nearing the holidays and as you are going to be spending some time with family. This can also relate to friends and coworkers and people in your life.
For those who don't think IBS is real, or they don't take your health needs seriously, or they think your symptoms are in your head or that you are overthinking it or overreacting, any of those statements that make you feel like you're not validated, and that you don't matter, which is what they're really saying in some way. How do you deal with that? That is what we're going to talk about today.
So my short answer is actually communicate and set boundaries, which is way easier said than done! My long answer is that we are going to dive into that, but one thing I want to say is it's really not your responsibility to force your family to support you and your health and to force people around you to support you. You cannot control other people, as much as it would be nice to just tell someone something and they automatically connect with it, they understand where you're coming from, and they change their behaviors, it is not your responsibility. That's also not your burden to carry.
Some people are going to support you no matter what, some people will not. Some people will change, some people will not. It's not fair at all, but it is the reality of human beings and you are not alone, if that is something that you are dealing with. So I wanted to say that first, because I know that there's a lot of the strategies that we're going to talk through the things that you can do, but at the end of the day, when you carry the weight of all of that on yourself and that responsibility, that's going to be really difficult. It's going to also interfere with your health interfere with your IBS or interfere with even your goals that you're setting, and sometimes carrying the weight of someone else can hold you back so much and also hold you back in other relationships.
So that's something we're also going to talk about today and something that I want you to know that if you're struggling, I know it's not fair. I know some people never have to deal with that, but you're not alone, you are definitely not alone. Our community is here and so if that is something that you need, there are places either on Instagram or on posting about today's episode, share there or go to The Gut Community on Facebook, bring this up with people who have experienced it, because you might find people who have been in similar situations.
As a disclaimer for myself, I have not had to deal with this personally. I've seen clients go through with this, so I can give a lot of these tips without that weight personally, right? But there are going to be people that have walked that path with you. So just wanted to say that, because I think that's the best thing to say but also, it's the most fair thing to say when we're talking about this conversation.
So now let's get into what you can actually do about it right? What do you do when someone is not supporting you, or they're blatantly disrespecting you based on your health need, whether that's IBS, or whatever it may be. So if someone does communicate to you that especially IBS or condition that you're dealing with is not real, or that your symptoms are in your head, one thing that you can do is practice being really confident and how you explain what something is.
So not just responding and defending yourself, you don't owe anyone a defense, you really don't even owe anyone an explanation, but if you do want to establish a pretty clear boundary, then you want to practice being really confident in how you explain something. That doesn't mean that you have to share the details of your symptoms. I think that is something that each person has the right to do or not to do, you do not have to give up that part of you or like be that vulnerable if you don't want to explain and defend yourself. That is not needed. What you can do is have a clear explanation that you go to if someone is either mocking you or making a joke or whatever it is that they're doing that communicates that they think IBS is not real.
So for IBS, specifically, what you can say is that you know what, IBS is a functional disorder of the gut brain interaction. This means it impacts how I digest food and how my body responds to sensations in my gut. You can say it that clearly. And if someone says it's not real, you can say, nope, this is very real. I'm happy to send you a paper on it. Then you can send them the American College of gastroenterology guidelines for irritable bowel syndrome. It goes through all of the research around IBS and that is a really good place to start.
You do not have to explain it. You do not carry the burden of having to prove yourself. If they want to question it, you can provide that quick explanation and you can also provide them research that they can go do their homework on.
Something that I'm going to talk about often throughout this conversation is whenever you are providing boundaries, resources, or even having a conversation with someone when they have crossed the line with you, if they are unwilling to do their due diligence, do their research and follow up, if they're not willing to do that, that's a sign that they are not putting you first and that they actually don't have a lot of love and respect for you. And it is okay to call that out and say, if you are unwilling to go read this paper, to better understand what's going on in my body, you are showing me that you do not love me, care about me or respect me.
That is okay to call out and sometimes that is needed. A lot of people aren't knowingly doing that, right, they're not actively trying to say I don't love you, they may be kind of subconsciously doing it. It may be something that they're not fully intending, their actions still need to be held accountable, they need to be held accountable for that, and they need to be called out on it, but they may not realize it. And so we do want to give them a chance but you also do not need to carry the weight of that either, you can put it back on them and that is okay.
It may take a little bit to be confident in that, it's going to take a while for some of you and for some of you, this is something you connect with easily. If you are someone who does not like confrontation, this might be a challenge, and that's okay! Practice your explanation over and over and over until you feel like you can confidently deliver it to that person.
What you can also say if you do want to get into more specifics with someone, especially if they're like, oh, well, that doesn't matter, or if they want to say, oh, well, then you should, you know, eat healthy, or whatever it is, you can say, you know, my symptoms can be triggered by food, changes in my routines, and stress. They can also be triggered by things that are completely out of my control.
That is something that sometimes people do not understand that you can bring up and say and just be very point blank with it. And if they question it, you can say, I have this experience, I have a healthcare team behind me, and I know that my triggers are not always in my control, and also not just about what I eat. That is going to help kind of break that explanation down to where they can understand it a little bit more.
Again, you do not owe them an explanation of personal details or anything more if you are not comfortable with it. If someone is curious and you do feel comfortable, or let's say they are still mocking you and you want to share your specific symptoms to kind of put them in their place, or whatever it may be, you be you and you can do that. But I also don't want you to feel like you have to, and so there can be a lot of power in yourself to know that I can provide an explanation, I can stick up for myself and I do not have to provide specifics in my symptoms. If they ask for details, and you haven't developed trust, you can say, based on how you've treated me with my health or because of this or in this way, I do not feel like there is enough trust for me to share those details and specifics with you, this is not a safe place. If you want to go do further research around this and change the way that you are treating me, then we might be at a place where I feel comfortable having that conversation. You can say that. And that is something that a lot of people really need to do so that you don't feel like you're taken advantage of or then you're opening the door for someone to just disrespect you even more or mock the symptoms that you're experiencing, which can be really difficult, and I know that there are people out there who have that experience.
So if that is you, know that you do not have to share those details with them. Even with health care providers, honestly, if you haven't developed trust, it is okay to say I still don't trust you, this doesn't feel safe for me so that there can be actions taken to make it a safe place.
With that, so that is one step of setting boundaries, but setting boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do if someone is not respecting you, or if they are making any kind of communication, whether it's verbal or even nonverbal, that states that they do not believe you, they do not take you seriously. Boundaries are key. The big key parts of boundaries are what do you need from them? What do you need them to stop doing? How does it make you feel? What happens if your boundaries are not respected?
So what do you need from them? That is really clear. Whenever you are setting a boundary, yes, how it makes you feel is important, and what they need to stop doing is also important, but also setting a precedence for this is what you can do can be very valuable, that is going to help you determine who is willing to do the extra work and take action.
That might be you know what I need from you because this is something that you don't believe, I need you to go read this article. I need you to go listen to this podcast. What I need from you is to actually ask me questions versus make assumptions about how I feel. What I need from you is to give me space whenever I'm having symptoms and not bring it up. Really tell them what you need from them and make it clear.
What do you want them to stop doing? That might go hand in hand but this is also key. It may be I need you to stop making jokes office, which we'll go into how it makes you feel because of this reason, or I need you to stop criticizing the food that I eat, I need you to stop rushing me in the morning, because that's leading to more anxiety. Whatever it is that you need them to stop doing, be very clear about it, that is part of your boundary.
Now how it makes you feel, that is something that, again, you can determine how much of this you share, but this is important because sometimes people don't really understand what the impact of what they're doing actually is. It's not fair that you would carry that weight of meeting to explain that, but the truth is, a lot of people aren't going to see it until they really know what that is doing for you.
What you can say is, whenever you do this, I feel this way, I feel more stressed and more anxious, which leads to more symptoms, I feel like this isn't safe for me and I feel like I can't be honest with you, whenever I'm struggling. I feel like I don't have any support and like I'm completely alone in what I'm experiencing. I feel like my life doesn't matter. I feel like, no one's taking me seriously and like, you know, nothing that I do actually even matters. I feel like I'm not respected. I feel like I have not loved. I feel like I'm not cared for. Be very honest about how it makes you feel, and with as much detail as you are comfortable sharing.
And then really be clear about what happens if your boundaries are not respected. This is a key of boundary setting and this helps you stay accountable to holding the boundary, which is really important, but it also helps them understand that, you know, I am really serious about this. It may be that if you are not able to respect this boundary, then I'm going to have to separate myself from you and these gatherings. It could be you know, if you are not willing to respect this boundary, I'm not coming home, like I can't come home for the holidays and be in this environment. If you are not willing to do this, I will no longer be telling you about any personal details of my life and our relationship will come become more surface.
This is not meant to be a threat, some people may see it that way. You can say, you know, this isn't a threat, this is me being very serious and clear about my boundaries to protect my health, mental, physical and emotional well being, which is the definition of health. You can say that, because some people will think that this is the you trying to threaten or something like that, there's a fine line, but this is not a threat, this is I need you to respect this boundary and if you don't, these are the consequences because I have to respect my own health and my own boundaries with myself, and constantly letting you walk over this line or disrespect this boundary, what that's actually doing is leading to me not respecting myself and me not taking care of myself, which is literally what you're trying to say that I need to do, right.
That's usually where that's going to come down to because a lot of times people are well meaning and this is kind of the unsolicited advice side of things where people might be well meaning, but in their advice, it's condescending, it's, you know, blaming or they might be blaming you or shaming you for what you do, because they don't understand it. You can call that out and say, you know, I know you think you have the best intentions here, but what you're doing is making me feel this way, I need you to stop doing this, when I tell you about my symptoms, this is what I do need from you: support, I need you to listen, I need you to provide some encouragement, whatever it is that you need. If you are unable to respect that boundary, then I will not be sharing these details with you.
Setting that boundary that clearly is going to help them understand what is okay, what is not okay and if they come back at you as well, I'm just trying to help you can say, I get that you think that that is not the actual reality of your actions. Like yes, I know your intentions might be right, I am telling you what I need for my own health and self care so that I can do what you're actually trying to get me to do, which is take care of myself. Sometimes that can help people shift their perspective and their mindset.
If someone gets very angry about your boundaries, then that may be a time to kind of really separate and protect your space. It's a very hard thing to do, but it may be needed. So with holding your boundaries, holding true to your boundaries is very important. So like I mentioned, if someone is not respecting you, if they're not respecting your boundaries, if they're mocking your boundaries, if you've told them time and time again and they're constantly stepping over it, then you want to follow through with what you said what happened. That may be a disconnect, even if that is you're in the same room but you're not talking to them, you're not calling them you're not sharing any details. Anytime they ask you a question, you change the subject. Maybe it's you do not go home or you do not engage in activities with that person. Maybe you cut them out of your life completely.
That looks different for each person. And I will say, you know, I haven't experienced that personally s so I know that that's much harder to do than even what I've said, but the people that I have seen go through this, the clients that I've worked with that have had to deal with this, it does help to have like a therapist or someone that can help with that because that can be really challenging and a lot to process yourself. It's harder before it gets better and it also comes with grief and loss and there's a lot of pieces to that that are difficult, even though you may feel like you are brave and courageous, and you did the right thing.
There's also other sides to it. And I don't want you to leave with guilt and shame of what happened, because it will be sad, so having someone to help you through that as important, in addition to that mental health support, and like someone really on your side that is a third party.
It's also important when you're dealing with friends, family, colleagues, whoever it may be in your life, to find allies. Find people that do support you, and really let them know how they can help you with these boundaries that you're setting and with these people in your life. So if you have a significant other, that's usually a really great ally, if it's not like, we want to work on that to get them there. Maybe it's a sibling, maybe it's one parent, maybe it's a cousin, you know, maybe a co worker, find someone that is an ally for you in those environments, and let them know like one how they can help you. It might be helping divert conversation, maybe you don't feel confident sticking up for yourself and you don't like that confrontation, maybe you let them know, hey, I really need you to stick up for me in these moments, because it's really challenging for me to do that and I don't feel confident doing it, I feel like it would be harder for me to speak up, have them speak out for you. That is what true allies and relationships like that should be like, right?
If someone is being aggressive towards you, just letting someone know, like, hey, you know, these are the situations where I need help and if they are aggressive, or if you do have to, like hold a boundary, like you're not going to be in the same room with someone, you want people who are on your side. This is not about trying to turn people against one another, it's about finding people that love you, respect you and care for you and are willing to fight for you, but also help kind of lift up the boundary that you've set and show that actually no, we agree that this is important, and you need to respect it, so that that other person is not able to be aggressive towards you or disrespect to you continuously.
If you do not have any allies, that is something to seek first. If you have zero, lean towards a professional that can help you work through that, because that can be really challenging. Again, you're not alone in that, I know there are people who have no one that can help them. Reach out to communities, find someone that you can talk to that can be an ally in any way, and then begin to kind of work through that with somebody to figure out how do I build those relationships and find those people in my life.
With your allies, it's very easy to feel like leaning on your allies in these types of conversations and environments, you can easily feel like a burden. It can feel like you're always the one needing and people may even throw that compliment at you. A true ally would never say that to you, usually it's what you're gonna say to yourself. If you find yourself even now thinking that, I do want to encourage you that you are not a burden, and that people who love you are going to be there for you.
Think about your closest friend, like someone you really do love care about and respect. If they asked you to help them with something like this, wouldn’t you do it? And wouldn’t you do it with pride? Where you know, that's a way that you can show your love for them, you would do that for somebody and so of course somebody would do that for you. You are deserving of that as well. You are not needy, you are not too much, you are not a burden. If you think that way, like really get with other people and help encourage one another even if you don't believe it yet, you may have two people with IBS that don't believe it, but if you can encourage one another daily that you are not a burden, your needs are not too much, you do deserve this, that can be really helpful to kind of change that belief, which is so powerful and can make such a big difference. That alone can actually make you feel so much more confident and secure in these environments to where these things aren't going to take you down. What's interesting is that you might actually need someone less when you realize that you deserve to have that type of support. So kind of explore that a little bit more and I challenge you with that because I know that can be tricky.
If you are working with someone, so we talked a little bit about you know, if they're not respecting your boundaries, that's kind of worst case scenario. Best case scenario is you stick up for yourself and they do respect it and they're interested in learning more. If you don't want the pressure of trying to educate someone or sharing all of your personal details or going through that, if that's too much for you, it is okay to say you know what I'm excited that you are interested in learning more, I'm grateful that you are willing to kind of make these changes and support me and like, I see you doing that and trying and that means so much to me, because I really want our relationship to be strong. It's a lot for me to give that energy to educate you fully or talk about this all the time, what I can do is give you these resources for you to explore on your own and if you have any questions for me, like please ask.
It's a way to make sure to put, again, that responsibility back on them because it is no longer your responsibility. What you can do is recommend things like this podcast, if that's helpful, maybe recommend a website like, again, the American College of Gastroenterology Guidelines, or any website that you feel that you've connected with that explains your story, and kind of who you are, an Instagram account, if that if that helps. Any website, really any resource that you found to be helpful in understanding your condition and the problems that you face, things that feel relatable, share that with the people that are wanting to learn, and and give that to them.
It's okay to spend that time and say, you know what, give me a little bit of time and put some stuff together, I'm gonna share it with you so that you can better understand this, but I need you to carry that because talking about this all the time, or like, you know, telling about these details, like it's a lot for me.
For those people that are learning to respect you, it's okay to explain where you are in that process of, you know, I don't really feel comfortable talking about this yet. I know you're trying, I'm also trying to like open up and that's something that I'm willing to talk about in the future, like, please, you know, just read through this first. If someone really is trying that, and they are putting forth that effort, like that's gonna boost your confidence, too, that, okay, I am worthy, like I do deserve this, I can have these relationships. Find those people and put your energy there, don't put your energy in the people that are not willing to do the work, and really respect you. Because you deserve more!
The same is true if someone is offering to accommodate your needs. So let's say someone wasn't, and now they're like, oh, I get your boundary, now I want to accommodate every need. If they're being very needy about it, and like asking a million questions like you can set another boundary, but you can also share resources like brands, and like recipes or blogs and say, here's a great resource for you to accommodate my needs, I'm not going to tell you everything to do every time but like, this is a great resource for you, if you do want to take that extra step. That'll be helpful groceries that they can get you, make them a list, you know, make it really easy for them to take action without flooding you with information every time so that you feel that like, oh, am I being too needy, or like now it's just like another job, you know, you don't want those thoughts to come up either.
One thing I didn't really mention as much, but there's a bit of a gray area here too, that is specific and in a scenario that a lot of my clients have had to deal with, and that's when you are actually working on your IBS and there's this discussion of, well, you used to not have that or you said you couldn't eat that, now you are or I thought that triggered your symptoms but now you're doing it. Like that kind of well, haha, I’m catching you in the act like you were lying or you know that kind of behavior. What you can do in those scenarios, one, you can say that's not appropriate, and then move on, if you want to. But you can also say, you know what, I'm actually working on my IBS, this is my body, not yours, I haven't invited your opinion into my care, but that's something that I am working on and this is part of that process, I would appreciate if you respect that and leave your comments to yourself, like really saying that can be helpful.
It can be helpful to even remind people like, you do not have the right to comment on my body, and you do not have the right to comment on my food, that is not accepted and that is not okay. You do not have the right to comment on my behaviors to try to make me feel guilty for things that I'm choosing to do in my life, I have not asked you for that. That's something that is really good to remind people of, but in a kind way if someone is asking, but they're really not sure, like maybe they're not meaning malicious intent from their comment or question, it's okay to say, you know what, I'm trying to work on this and I'm trying to test this food or, you know, I'm just trying to see if I can build some more trust in my body and explore this a little bit more to find some flexibility or I’m working with a dietician, or if they're especially if you're doing something where now you're eliminating foods you didn't before and they're like, well, what's wrong with you now, you know, those types of behaviors. It's good to say I'm working with the healthcare team, and this is what I've been advised to do. This is a part of my process. I would appreciate if you didn't comment on the foods I'm eating or the things that I'm doing unless I ask you to.
Just kind of keep it simple. That scenario can come up often, if it catches you off guard, it's also okay just to step away. If something ever makes you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to sit there and marinate on it, like step away and have a conversation with an ally, have a conversation with someone who you love, or just change the subject to something that, you know other people love. People love to talk about themselves, if you are feeling uncomfortable in a situation, flip the conversation, let them talk about themselves and just kind of walk away and disconnect so that you can take time for yourself.
It's also okay to say you know, that comment or this situation has made me very uncomfortable, this is something that I need to step away from for a little bit, I need to process this because I don't feel like this is a good environment right now and just take your time. Because you again, you matter. Your feelings matter. Your life matters. No one should be able to just walk all over that you should have that space if you need it, and if someone makes you feel guilty for it, call them out on it, or separate yourself until you are able to.
I know that you guys who live with IBS, you have so much value to add to this! I would love to hear your thoughts on what connected with you and but also what you would add what has worked for you in the past encouragement that you would give one another.
You can either come share that just with me on Instagram at @erinjudge.rd or comment on the posts that is related to this topic, I'm sure there will be a few that you can kind of connect with. You could also share your story and just tag me and I'll reshare it with my community or go to The Gut Community on Facebook, it's a little bit more of an intimate group, but you can also share their or ask for resources if you need them from our community. Because you again you are valuable and what you've experienced is also valuable and can add so much to this topic in this conversation. So please share, I'm open to that and I would welcome that so that our community can thrive through the next few months and beyond.
I hope you enjoyed this episode and I hope that you join me again next week for our next episode!